Fandom: Due South
Summary: Asleep. Things said, things missed, things heard.
Spoilers: Victoria’s Secret, You Must Remember This
He’s asleep now. Finally. Real sleep. Not trauma induced loss of consciousness, not coma, not anesthetic recovery. Sleep. The real thing.
The thing I haven’t been able to do at all since I shot him.
“She’s got a gun!”
Damn!
The moment plays again and again in my head. I can’t get away from it. Or the reality of my nearly dead, maybe paralyzed partner.
I shot him. I shot Fraser. Benny. My best friend. Brother (closest to brother I’ll ever get in this life).
No, Benny! No!
Why the hell did I shoot? Why didn’t I let the bitch pull the trigger? She might have missed. She might have hesitated. If not, at least it would have been her bullet in Benny and not mine.
Selfish to the end, eh, Ray? Wanting to blame her for everything when it is my bullet that put him here.
But then if it had been hers, I’d be sitting here blaming myself for not shooting her when I had the chance. That is if Benny would have survived a point blank shot.
There’s a moment frozen, where I don’t see what’s in front of my eyes. I don’t see that it’s Benny that is standing on the train — not the spiteful she-devil.
Why didn’t I hesitate? Why was it so easy to shoot at the woman that Benny loved?
Was it jealousy? Hurt? Betrayal?
Was it because he chose her over me? The past over the present? That maybe, just maybe, he was thinking of going with her?
Or, simply because she was bent on destroying us both. Not only me, not only our partnership, but Fraser’s entire life, his very soul. She wouldn’t settle for anything less. I thought so then. I think so now.
Maybe that’s why it was not hard to pull that trigger. Even though I have tried never to let myself feel satisfaction at seeing a genuine creep go down the hard way. It would have been more than acceptable to see that woman fall from the train … dead.
Her.
Not him.
Not Benny.
Fraser’s back is to me. And for almost seconds I think maybe I hit what I aimed for. And then he falls.
And I know.
That was the hardest, most nightmarish thing I can ever recall seeing in a none-too-tidy life.
How did he get between us?
I had a clear shot of the witch.
But Benny was too fast. So damn fast. I should have known that he would be.
Why the hell did he get in the line of fire anyway? Trying to protect the slut from hell?
There is a moan from the bed. Now. This is real. The present. Fraser is waking up.
Is he in pain? Can he even feel pain? Will he ever feel anything again?
His eyes are opening. Oh, God.
All this time waiting for this moment and now I panic.
Will he hate me for putting him here? Could he even imagine that it was my bullet? Or did he know? Will he forgive me? Will he wish the first thing he sees is her?
Will he be all right?
“Mmm … mmm …”
“Benny. Hey, Benny.”
“Fffrrr …”
“You wakin’ up, Rip Van Winkle?”
“Mmm … urrr …”
I can’t help turning toward the door. I know I should let someone know that Benny’s waking up, but he moans and I turn back to him. It’s hard to leave him like this.
“Nnnng …” Fraser’s head is moving from side to side. It’s like he’s fighting against something. “Unn … nnnnuh …”
“Hey. Take it easy.”
Is his restlessness caused by pain? I’d better get someone.
I run to the door, spot Kelly, one of the duty nurses, and give her a wave over. “He’s awake.” I notice her startled look before I duck back inside.
Moments later Kelly is checking Benny’s vitals — a routine I’ve become very familiar with. In the meantime his moaning is increasing. He seems agitated, distressed. Well, he’s been shot, Einstein. And the woman he loved has betrayed him, framed him, tried to kill him — what’s not to hate about that? And maybe he knows who put him here.
“Mr. Fraser?” She glances at me. “I mean, Constable. How are we doing here? Finally decided to join us again?”
Benny’s mumbling and his eyes are mostly open, but he doesn’t seem to be responding to Kelly, or even trying.
“Constable Fraser, do you hear me? Do you know where you are?” Benny is definitely not up to chit-chat just yet. Kelly pats his arm. “I’ll just go let your doctor know you’re awake.”
She looks at me again, before leaving. I must look like hell on earth because she’s got that pitying face I’ve seen so much of these past days. “It’s not unusual. It could take a little while for him to become fully responsive to the outside world,” she reassures.
“Mmm,” I mumble, about as articulate as Benny.
She leaves and I’m back at the side of the bed.
“Nnnnn …”
I put my hand over his, a gesture I’ve made so often and for such long periods that my wrist and fingers have cramped more than once. I don’t know which of us I’m comforting more.
“Donnn … Nnnn … Nnnn …” He’s still fighting something.
“Benny. It’s Ray. It’s okay, Buddy. It’s okay.”
“Lissen …”
“I’m listening.”
“… ’sleep.”
“That’s okay, you can sleep, if you need to. Whatever you need.”
“Tried …”
“You can keep trying.”
“Sorrrree … Rrray.”
I lean closer to hear the hoarse words.
“Tried … to … tell … not … perrf … ‘m not … not … perrfct.”
“Oh, Benny. You don’t have to be perfect, just get well. Rest and get better.”
“Sorry … you wrrr ’sleep. Tried to tell … about Vic … Vic …”
I can see the energy leave him, just like the air leaving a balloon. It would be frightening if I didn’t have so many indicators to let me know that he’s still alive, still breathing, heart beating.
Then Kelly reappears with the doc and I back out of the way. This time I keep going until I’m in the hall. I need time to absorb and make sense of Fraser’s words.
Was he talking to me in the here and now or in some mental replay of the past? The word “perfect” stung and had a sickening familiarity. I had called him that, more than once. I remember him trying to tell me he wasn’t perfect, but I was in no mood to hear it. When was that? Not too long ago. What did that have to do with my being asleep? When had he tried to tell me
about the she-monster?
“You’re a Mountie. What do Mounties know about love?”
Something like that. I said something like that to him once, I remember. When I was so taken with Suzanne Chapin. Jeez, I must’ve sounded like such an ass. Did he try to tell me then? I don’t recall it.
I run shaky hands through (what there is of) my hair and decide it’s time to hit the lav, wash up a little and then get some more coffee. Maybe by then the doc will be finished.
I don’t want to miss him altogether. I need to wring him dry of information on Fraser’s condition before I let him move on.
When I arrive back at Benny’s room the doc has made a quick getaway. Probably to avoid talking to me. He’s left Kelly to take the brunt of my “need to know” and she handles it like the pro she is. When I let her go, I settle in for my usual vigil. The staff has given up on trying to get rid of me.
It’s dark outside when Benny wakes again. This time I don’t run for a nurse. I let him struggle and mumble his way awake.
His voice isn’t very loud, so I sit near enough to hear. He rambles for quite awhile. I don’t watch the clock.
He mostly talks about the hell-bitch, mumbling about things that must’ve have happened here in Chicago and things that had happened long ago, when he’d had to bring her in.
He doesn’t know he’s talking to me, ’cause it isn’t that kind of awake. It’s not a conversation we’re having, but more like a confession. I find out a lot I never knew about Benton Fraser, and I’m glad that I’m here to listen. I find out things about his mom, his grandparents and his dad — the dead Mountie that had brought him here. I find out what I hadn’t heard before –
and why. I find out about the stakeout.
And this time I’m not asleep and I hear him. I hear it all.
It’s a good thing, too. Because when Benny wakes up for real the next day, he’s gotten quiet, and he stays that way for a long time.
The End
Good writing! Interesting story! It kept me intrigued and wanting to keep reading!