Fandom: Due South
Summary: While still recovering from Ray’s bullet Fraser receives the thing he most wants and dreads.
Author’s Note: Thanks, as always, to super beta, Marilea. (I skipped the comma.)
It was in his hands, though they could no longer feel it.
He stared at the thing that wavered in and out of focus. The thing he had most needed and most dreaded.
At first there had been a tingle in his fingertips when he touched it. The charge had streaked straight to his heart causing it to lurch to a stopbefore speeding up insanely. Then numbness overcame his hands, but somehow he never let it fall from his grip.
Just paper. That’s all it was.
He studied the faintly blue-tinged husk, an envelope with contents unknown and yet somehow already a part of him. A letter from her. No name necessary. Postmarked in Illinois only two days before.
He should burn it. Destroy it unopened. Or turn it over to the authorities. He should not give in to her so much as to read whatever it was she had sent.
But he knew he couldn’t destroy it. He knew he had to open it. Read it. Know exactly what it was she would say.
God help him. He needed whatever she gave. However little or bitter or harsh. He needed her crumbs of love or hate. As punishment? Atonement? As help or hope or salvation? As an end or answer or release?
He didn’t know. Couldn’t say. Wouldn’t try.
He turned the envelope over in his hands and watched his trembling fingers work it open. The sheets, folded once in half, slipped out easily.
Letters, words in her handwriting shimmered and swam before his eyes as he felt her, inhaled her presence from the page.
And then, his name.
Ben,
If you burn this without ever opening it, I’ll understand. But I have to write it no matter what it means to you. I owe you so much more than this… I owe you… more… and less… my life… my absence from your life…explanation… confession… apology…
This is nothing near enough, but still more than nothing.
I should never have left you there on that train platform. I thought you were dead. But I should never have left you there. I think of all the things I did, that was the most selfish.
You were coming with me, weren’t you. I felt it. Saw it in your eyes before…
You had just committed the most unselfish act of our, for want of a better word, relationship, and I followed it up with the most selfish.
After the train pulled away I hid, somehow managing to evade the conductor and all I could think was that I had killed you. I had orchestrated all of this for some kind of revenge…control… some need…
And then I thought, what if you were alive, what if you needed me? Why hadn’t I made the same sacrifice for you that you were about to make for me? Everything — freedom, choice, way of life, life itself — for love. You made it and I didn’t.
It was then I knew that I had killed love. Regardless of whether or not I’d killed you, I had killed us.
When I found out you had survived, I so very nearly came to you. In fact I did return, almost made it into Chicago, but I couldn’t quite close the distance. I couldn’t face you or face the consequences of everything I’d done. I don’t know which. I only know that I’m a coward. That I should have stayed or should have returned for you and I didn’t. I did neither. I’m not capable of that kind of sacrifice.
Now, I know that you are not only the better person, but that yours was the greater love.
I had actually convinced myself of the opposite during all those years in prison. I had made myself believe that my love was stronger and that you had betrayed all love for your so-called duty. I didn’t even believe it was that. I thought what you called duty was really your pride and devotion to your own self-image.
I finally get what you truly wanted. You wanted me to live up to your own best hopes of what I was and could be. I didn’t. Maybe I couldn’t, I don’t know. But the worst thing was that I didn’t even try. I just blamed you for everything.
I won’t even ask you to understand or forgive. Just know that I’ve finally figured out what I did to myself — twice.
I cheated myself out of the best chance for happiness I will ever have in this life.
I cheated us both.
I’m so sorry.
So unutterably sorry. I thought you had thrown us away ten years ago. I see now that it was me then and it was me now. The biggest fool I will ever know stares back at me from the mirror every day.
It’s too late, but I will love you forever and regret forever, too, not that I love you, but that I couldn’t see how much you loved me back, how much you wanted for me and for us.
Forever,
Victoria
He folded the letter, slipped it back into the envelope, hands still shaking. He rose stiffly from the table and limped his way over to the stove using the metal cane the hospital had provided.
He turned the working front burner on and touched the pale blue stationery to the flame. Vibrating in his grip the bottom corner ignited, flame scorching and rising up the side. He turned it round to let the hungry tongues lap up and over the entire surface. He didn’t let go until the fire hurt enough to make him. He poked the last corner into the ring of flame and watched it darken and wither away into ash. Scorched as he was.
He limped over to the kitchen window. Eyes dry but hollow he stared out into the darkness.
Now, at last, it was done.
The End
